I love to smoke. Well I don’t love it anymore. No I still love it. No I don’t. Maybe I do. Honestly, it has been so long now that I’m not sure I do anymore. I had my last cigarette May 24th 2009. I was really drunk and it was my one and only relapse since I have quit. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, I’m just laying out the facts. I started smoking when I was about 18 years old. So I was a smoker for about 11 years. Wow, 11 years. It’s hard to fathom that long of career of smoking. But like I said, I love to smoke.
Now I know that 4 months isn’t that long. I guess it just seems like a long time. I remember I quit once before for about 4 months before I had a relapse and started smoking Black and Milds before I went back to my favorite Marlboro Ultra Lights. For some reason that seemed like it was a lot shorter of a time to quit back then. I remember I wanted to cheat so bad. It was unbearable. But the truth was that just that I really didn’t want to quit. I think that is the biggest difference between then and now. Even after four months of wanting a cigarette and watching other people light up right in front of me, I still want to be a non-smoker. And after 4 months it still sucks balls.
I labeled this blog: “The Beginning of the End” because I know it’s not over yet. Actually I doubt it will ever be over. I will always want to cheat one way or another. I have recently smoked a few Black and Mild cigars while I was drinking and around smokers. I am in no way addicted to Black and Milds but I do have to stop smoking them. They help me keep myself occupied without actually smoking. I am making excuses now. Black and Milds have nicotine. I am addicted to nicotine thus I am addicted to Black and Milds. I know they are bad, I just find a way to convince myself they are ok. I am not going to let this detour me though. I am not going to let this bring me down. I will not quit quitting.
The next step is getting past the urge when I am drinking. I always knew it was the hardest, but I have been strong enough to not smoke a Marlboro so far so that’s a step. I quit drinking for a month to help and that kept my motivation up. I am not scared and am very confident this will be that last time I have to quit. I just have to keep on keeping on and I will.
